i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
