i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
