it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You took a bar mat shot.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
