Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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