Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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