i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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