at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize