I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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