you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I could fuck to npr.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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