I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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