the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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