im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
