he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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