My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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