So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
