matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
