Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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