Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
