News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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