Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
