: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
