It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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