I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Randomize
