why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
