You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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