Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
How does one acquire holy water?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
