I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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