LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
