I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I wear drunk well.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
