hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
