i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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