A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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