Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
