i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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