I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
