WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You've changed since you got that strap on
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
