I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
