my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
