Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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