11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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