I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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