insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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