I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
