Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
