Three words: puerto rican gang bang
They should really pass out barf bags in church
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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