When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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