I seem to have left my pride at pride
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
