Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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