I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
