Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
