maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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