Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
