He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Is Oprah even human
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
