Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i drank out of a bidet.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
