She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
