i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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