if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
