I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize