I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize