for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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