It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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